We’ve all done it, those of us who are older at work. We’ve held back from saying what was on the tip of our tongue, as we suddenly feared, “Will that date me?”
I’ve heard people in tech say they never mention their children at work because most of their coworkers have not yet started families. Or they don’t speak specifically about their children’s ages so that math isn’t immediately done. Or some even express relief that they had kids later in life, because the computation may show them to be younger than they actually are.
The same is true of cultural references. For example, most people I know who work in tech have a story about mentioning some movie or band or technology, and then seeing the blank look on the face of a coworker. So instead we make a concerted effort not to refer to movies from the ‘80s or prior (with the exception of those with recent sequels or remakes). Example: Avoid Kramer vs. Kramer (Best Picture in 1980), but feel free to name-drop The Empire Strikes Back (top-grossing movie in 1980). I just saw a Netflix show where an executive said the word telephone, and then was prompted sotto voce by her peer to correct it to cell phone. And you’ll likely find yourself alone when you decry Coca Cola’s announcement that they’re discontinuing diet soda Tab.
These practices are corollaries to the advice universally given to job seekers over 50: Remove the college graduation date from your resume and LinkedIn profile, as well as any experience prior to the last 10-15 years.
Why are these matters trickier for those who are mid- and late-career? Our employment is more at risk than our younger colleagues’. Not only are we more likely to be laid off, but finding another job will be more difficult. We may also have developed more sensitive emotional intelligence and have a sense that over-sharing can be harmful—but not yet enough to be sure where the line is. Finally, as an underrepresented group (especially in tech), we don’t want to be treated as other. Ageism is a real threat, so we don’t want to give it any fuel.
Yet in censoring ourselves, are we being inauthentic? Maybe yes, but probably no.
One of the simplest definitions of authenticity I’ve seen comes from psychologist Kennon Sheldon. He says authentic behavior is that which we have freely chosen and allows us to express who we really are, reflecting our values and identity.
That said, context and boundaries play a role, too. The workplace is a very specific context. Sure, you might love dance to express yourself, but that’s not going to happen at a work meeting—the context sets the boundaries. We use judgment to decide how to fit in.
How do you navigate these boundaries at work? First, every workplace is different. It’s up to you to assess your coworkers and the culture, then make an individual judgment based on this workplace. For cues, look to role models. Are there other older employees? How do they fit in? Is age an issue for them? What do they share about themselves? What do they find in common with younger teammates?
I believe people do their best work when they are themselves, so I believe it’s better to skate closer to the side of revealing the real you. Being as open as the culture allows will also help you feel like you belong, which leads to job satisfaction. Finally, stopping the self-censure just allows for more spontaneity and fun. Which is valuable in any workplace.
At what age should you stop being yourself at work? The short answer is never. But, like everything else in life, it’s much more nuanced than that. And those over 50 do need to tread carefully.