Last week I enjoyed a long phone call with a friend I made more than 40 years ago at my very first job. I haven’t seen her in at least 25 years when I moved out of state. But on this phone call, it was like no time had passed at all. And I hung up with a lovely satisfied feeling, marveling at the tapestry of my life. It caused me to think about whether work friendships are different during the various ages and stages of our lives.
When I was most recently working at a startup, I didn’t socialize much with my co-workers. In fact, there wasn’t much socializing going on at all. I was the sole Boomer, and I chalked the lack of company social connections up to a generational thing: People don’t make work friends anymore, I thought. That turned out to be untrue but was instead a symptom of that particular company’s culture. As I now talk with Millennials and GenZ-ers, I see nothing has changed. Young people still make friends at work. What has changed is that I have gotten older.
Early-career: When work friendships flourish
In your 20s, you have the time and need for friendships. Coming from the college lifestyle where social life is immediately at hand, you’re now thrown into a big world on your own. You may even have moved to a city for a job opportunity and don’t know anyone. You need to create a social life from scratch. The most natural place to find that is through people you meet at work. What could be easier than going out for beers after work or playing together on a softball team? Friendships blossom.
And then responsibility gets in the way
Once you marry or “settle down” with a partner and then have children, work socializing takes a back seat. Your partner fulfills many of your social needs. You need to get home to pick up kids from child care. You’re pinching pennies to save for a house. The appeal of hanging out after work has lessened. Plus, you have trouble keeping up with the friends you have—no need for more!
That said, I’ve noticed that while the ability to spend time with work friends wanes as family responsibilities grow, many friendships can survive a hiatus during this time. One friend from my second job disappeared from my radar for 15 years! She raised five children, and I had my two, and there was little room for connecting. Then a Christmas card sparked a phone call, we found we had a shared work interest, and in the three years since then, we’ve enjoyed a weekly one-hour phone call! The 15-year gap seems like a distant memory.
When relationships shift
Not every work friendship has staying power. Some rely on a common enemy: You bond over a frustrating manager or company policies. Once that enemy is removed from the equation, for example if the manager leaves the company, ties weaken.
Other friendships go through power shifts. When you’re in your early 20s, you and your peers are all entry-level. But once people become mobile in the company hierarchy, it can get awkward. Are you comfortable reporting to someone you go on weekend getaways with? Are you able to have a tough compensation talk with someone you supervise—who has been a drinking buddy?
While these trends are broad brushstrokes and there are exceptions even in my own life, the patterns have played out. It’s been gratifying to have friend-touchpoints from all the various twists and turns of my work life. Our shared work experiences were jumping-off points, but the friendships—the best part of work life— have survived. For that I’m grateful.
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